Reality Slap

Yesterday was a sad day for me. I pride myself on being a realist and reality finally caught up with me. 

I was hiking (like I do day after day) on my transect when all of a sudden I stopped. I stopped dead in my tracks and I had this feeling. It was a horrible feeling. I thought. I pondered. And this thought entered into my head: "Is this it? Is this really what my life has come down to? Is this really my purpose here? I thought I was special. I thought I was meant to be someone important..." 

So is this really it? I graduated from college with a degree in something that I love. But is that enough? I can't do this for the rest of my life. I can't go away for ten days at a time and hike 14 miles a day. I can do it physically but I can't do it emotionally. I studied anthropology because I love people. I am a people person. I have a lot of friends and I love being around them. But my job stops that. After hiking all day I'm tired. I am physically and emotionally drained. I don't feel like going out and hanging out with my friends at night when I am this tired. I could never meet anyone and get married and have a family when I am working this crazy schedule.

Thats not just it. I always thought that I would do something special with my life. I always thought I had potential to do something great with my life. But being an archaeologist isn't it. No one cares about archaeologist. What have we ever contributed to society? What will I ever contribute to society? 

I always knew I would go to grad school but I'm having a hard time deciding what I want to specialize in. Either way I'm going to be in debt (20,000 dollars a semester is not cheap) and I will be for the rest of my life because Archaeologist (and any other profession connected to archaeology) don't make any money. 

Don't get me wrong, I like my job. But I just can't do it for the rest of my life. Unless I want to be some kind of hermit and live in a shack in SLC for the rest of my life.

I guess this all came from the fact that I look around me and I see other people being successful:

(1) Some of my friends are graduating from college with amazing job offers 

(2) Others are getting married and starting families

(3) Some are finding out what they love and are getting direction in that

(4) Others are going to Law school, Medical school, Dental school, or other grad schools right out of college.

I want that. I want to know what I want and I want to go and get it. I just don't know what that is yet. I'm not getting any younger. 

My Phobia

What is a phobia? Contrary to popular belief, a phobia is not just a fear of some outside object. A little girl being afraid of a spider or a snake because they are "gross" is not a phobia. Campers being afraid of a bear in their camp is not a phobia. It is a little bit more complicated then you think. 

A phobia is an irrational and uncontrollable response to an outside stimuli. This results in (depending on the person) the body producing high amounts of epinephrine, thus causing a "fight or flight" response. A panic. 

The key words here are irrational and uncontrollable. 

My experiences: 

I've always gotten a strange adrenaline rush and butterflies in my stomach whenever I saw large spiders (especially tarantulas) in movies. For example, I have a hard time watching the scene in Lord of the Rings where Frodo is being chased by a giant spider. Or in Harry Potter when Ron and Harry are almost eaten by all those freakishly large spiders in the Forbidden Forest. 

I first realized how bad my phobia was when I went with my cousin to pick up her child at kindergarden. I went into the classroom because my cousins kid wanted to show me their classroom "pets". She first showed me the bunny rabbit (it was so cute) and then she wanted to show me the other classroom pet: a spider. I took one look at it and I stumbled backward and froze. The tarantula was in a cage and I was completely safe but I was still a little shaken up.

Last year at field school I came across my first wild tarantula. I was sitting in my tent and I saw the silhouette of a giant spider crawling on the outside of my tent. I froze to the point that I couldn't even scream. After a few seconds I got up and ran out of my tent.

And now here's the story which prompted me to write this blog: A few days ago I was hiking and I came across a real, wild, running tarantula. After screaming at the top of my lungs, I ran. And then it happened: my body went into a complete panic. I felt sick. I was hyperventilating. I was crying uncontrollably. My body was shaking. I felt like the spider was crawling all over me. My lungs started to tighten up and I felt like I was going to pass out. I had experienced my first panic attack... and guess what? It was at work with 3 people who don't care about me. So what happened next? I sat on the ground and cried and just let my panic take the best of me while my co-workers starred and made fun of me.

The problem with phobias is that people try to calm you down by saying things like: "Its ok. Spiders are nice" or "They won't hurt you. You are bigger then they are". I know that. I know that the spider is not going to hurt me. I know that I am bigger. I know... I know. That is why it is a phobia that I have and not just a fear. I could not control my response. I could not control my reaction. I look back on the situation and I feel stupid and embarrassed. It would have been nice to have gotten a hug or some kind of positive encouragement during my panic (which I suggest you do if you see someone having a panic attack), but hey you can't always get what you want.

The thing that people don't realize is that 18-20 percent of people have phobias like this. Its an anxiety disorder and there is nothing to be ashamed of. The funny thing is that some people won't ever find out they have a phobia because they may never come across the "trigger" like I did. Well at least now I know... I need to steer clear of tarantulas. Simple.

My job just gets better and better

Not to long ago we were recording a Historic (50+ years old) Sheep Camp Site (which consisted of a little corral, some rusted sheep shearers, rusted cans, etc.). This got me thinking about what exactly sheep herders do. My field supervisor told me that they were probably Bask and the herders would travel around with their flocks for years at a time. The man would usually be alone with a few sheep, dogs, and horses. Well, there is nothing more exciting then seeing archaeology come to life! While we were walking we came across this crazy sight:

That is not snow on the hill side. Those are sheep! Hundreds and hundreds of sheep! The black spots are dogs (there were about 10 of them), and to the far right is the sheep herder on his horse.

This is a better shot of the man on the horse and the dogs rounding up the sheep.

So my day did not end here... As we continue to hike we suddenly hear some loud noises. I assume it is the jets (see above post) that usually fly above us, but this time it was a helicopter! All day long they kept flying back and forth over us. This one got about 50 feet above us and I managed to get a good shot.

But wait! There's more! I also found this: 

This is a flare from a F-16. In battle, when a jet is being followed by a heat-seeking missile they will drop these flares in order to divert the missile from the jet and hopefully the missile will hit the flare, hence saving the jet. The jet were practicing right over us and I found one of their flares.

My job rocks! : )

Our own person air show

I am currently working in the middle of nowhere... seriously there is nothing out here in Tooele, UT. It's the Barren Wasteland, my friends. We hike and hike all day, we maybe come across a rusted can or a glass bottle, but other then that there is nothing to see out here. 

But this week things changed! I saw a new born baby cow! Yes that's right! This is the highlight of my job (ok I'm joking). This cow JUST gave birth and we were able to catch a glimpse of its baby! It was so cute and I had the honor of naming him Lenny. So Lenny was just barely walking when I took this picture... he's a little wobbily, but he's learning! : )

So here's the real highlight of my day:

Not to far from where we are hiking there is an Air Force Base and these beautiful F-16s fly over us all the time! Its crazy! We are constantly having to cover our ears because they are flying so low over head and a few times we felt "sonic booms"! If you have never felt one its a pretty strange feeling; it just hits you in the chest and knocks you over a little bit but it is totally worth it. 

Today we got to see a dog fight (thats when the jets circle each other and do flips and all types of maneuvers to get away from each other... or something like that). The jets got really close to the ground and we all just stopped walking to watch the show.

So, finding rusted cans is not so boring after all... But it would be nice to find some prehistorics once in a while : )

p.s. Here are some pictures from work

View from the top of the world! This is my tribute to Delta, UT.

This is how I look everyday. I found the safety goggles while we were working close to an active limestone mine in Delta, UT. I wear them for protection against the sun and other natural elements.

Since I get all dirty and dress like a construction worker everyday I figured it would be nice to show how much of a lady I really am.

A need for tolerance

I really like my job,  I honestly do, and here are some reasons why:

• I get paid enough to live comfortably
  
• I get benefits
  
• I get to hike and explore uncharted territories
  
• I have a job that actually has something to do with my major in college
  
• I get to work in some of the most beautiful places
  
• I get to meet and work with people who are different then me
  
• I get to continue to learn while I work (which is great cause I LOVE to learn)
  

But, alas, a job this great must have some problems...and it does.

There are only 7 people that work with me (my boss, the office manager, my field supervisior, and 4 field technicians [I am one of these]) and we spend A LOT of time together which means that you need to be able to get along with everyone...or else. Lately I have been having a hard time with 2 of my co-workers. They love to give me a hard time because I'm young, I don't have a lot of experience (which mean I don't know anything), and because I am a Mormon.

My co-workers are constantly attacking me because of my religion. They love to make fun of me and criticize what I believe. What's even better is that they claim that they know more about my religion then I do (which is funny considering on of them has never met a Mormon before he met me). it never really bothered me before when people made fun of my religion but it bothers me now...and this made me wonder. Why does it bother me now? Why does it bother me when my co-workers make fun of my religion? And it comes down to one word: TOLERANCE. I expected more from fellow Anthropologist! We ARE Anthropologist! We study people! We learn about them and we try to understand them. So how can you do this job if you don't have tolerance for other people and their beliefs?

In college I read an interesting paper on religion that was written by an atheist. He claimed that religion was "made up" because people needed the stability. Now, please, let me explain. When everything in our life seems to just fall apart, when the whole world seems to be crashing down on us, and we would rather curl up in a ball and die rather then deal with our pain, where do we turn? What do we do? We turn to the one thing that has never failed to be there for us. We turn to religion. We turn to our beliefs. We turn to our paradigms. And why do we turn to them? Because they are always there. They give us stability. They give us something to hold onto. They give us hope and comfort. So even if religion is not real, even if there is no God, religion is still a good thing and people need it. 

So, back to my main problem: my co-workers and their lack of tolerance. Why does it matter what my religion is? My religion should not affect my work relationships with these goobers. My religion does not make me a bad person. my religion does not make me a bad worker. My religion does not make me less of a person and I should not be treated as such. My religion gives me hope; it gives me faith in something more (which is good considering I am such a scientific person); it gives me morals; it gives me standards; it teaches me to be honest, true, and chase; and bottom line, I AM A BETTER PERSON BECAUSE OF IT. If I die and get up to the white pearly gates and I learn that my religion was not the right one, would I regret the way I lived my life? No, NEVER. I am living my life in a good way (I help others, I am honest, I am a hard worker, I am a clean and moral person, etc.), I do not regret it, and I would not change it. I love my religion and all that it has done for me.

So in the end it doesn't matter. I should not be teased or ridiculed because of what I believe or don't believe. Because it does not matter exactly what I believe. I believe it and you don't. So? All that should matter is that I am a better person because of what I believe.

What a sad and pathetic world we live in. We have a great need for tolerance. Not just tolerance of religion, but of ideas, beliefs, and views that we may have. We don't all have to agree on everything but we need to have respect and tolerance for each other. I have my paradigms and you have yours...and that, my friend, is what makes us human.

This is the year of traveling

I am such a nerd. I am constantly watching the Discovery Channel, History Channel, or the Travel Channel in an effort to learn more about the world around me. I have a new goal to see the 7 Wonders of the World along with other amazing sites such as The Great Pyramids of Giza, Stonehenge, the Statues of Easter Island, Victoria Falls, the Great Barrier Reef, Teotihuacan, and Mt. Vesuvius. If I am ever going to be able to see all of these beautiful places I need to start now. So for Christmas I gave my dad an Egypt travel book as a "hint" to where we should go on our next family vacation. He took the bait and we are going to Egypt for two weeks in November, with a 4 day stop in NYC. Check!! : )

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with one of my college buddies, Syanna, when she told me that she was planning a trip to the UK in May. She asked me if I wanted to go and I could not resist. So in May I will be headed to the UK with a short stop in Washington DC (I figured I should also see some of my own country). 

Along with these two trips I am also going to Canada (in July for a family reunion), Chaco Canyon, Nine mile canyon, Mesa Verde, Zions, Arches National Park, and Bryce Canyon. What a year!!! I am so excited!!!

Me in a nut shell

Introduction to my life: So most of you know where I am now, but I will give you a little background to were I came from. I was born and raised in southern CA. I am the only (and thus, favorite) daughter of Rick and Arlene Neilson. I have two awesome brothers (Ryan and Luke) and a beautiful sister-in-law (Missy). 

After graduating from Capistrano Valley High School I moved to Provo, UT, where I attended BYU. After 4 hard years of work (homework, dating, papers, presentation, boyfriends, digging in the desert, etc. ) I graduated with a Bachelors in Anthropology emphasizing Archaeology. From April 2007 - September 2007, I lived in St. George, UT, digging up archaeological sites for OPA (Office of Public Archaeology). After finishing in St. George, I got a job with P-III Associates in Salt Lake City, UT. 

My life now: I currently live in a cute house on the bench in Salt Lake City overlooking downtown. I have two housemates which are a lot of fun. My job is hard but I continue to work at it. Hopefully in a few years I will be off to Graduate School (hopefully in Evolutionary Biology).