Monday, October 13, 2008

You get what you ask for

For a while now I have been confused and frustrated with what I am supposed to do with my life. I have been saying for a while that I wish someone would just tell me what to do and then I would go and do it. This doesn't work very well when you have a gazillion people giving you advice and then getting frustrated with you when you don't take it. So here it is, this is what Im doing (or not doing) with my life and why:

(1) I am not going to graduate school. I recently starting looking up different grad schools and looking at their requirements. I don't qualify to go to any grad schools that I would like to go to. I didn't get a high enough GPA in college. This means that I can't even apply. The schools won't even accept or look at my application because I don't meet their minimum requirements. "But Courtney, why don't you just send in your application and see what happens?" Sure I'll do that. Do you want to give me the $100 for the application fee? So unless my GPA magically goes up in the next few years it looks like grad school is out of the question.

(2) I have had many people tell me to go on a mission. They told me that I can take time off and figure out my life. Have these people even been on missions?! For what I heard you really don't have time to just sit and ponder and focus on yourself. I have considered it for a while now but decided not to put my papers in. I would be doing it for purely selfish reasons (running away from my current life) and I have WAY to much respect for missionaries and the church to go on a mission for selfish reasons.  

(3) Go get another job. Believe me, I've been trying. For the past year (pretty much since I started working here) I've been looking. The problem is that I don't have enough experience yet and I am actually getting paid pretty well for just a shovel bum doing CRM work. I've applied to about 10 different places (not all archaeology jobs) in the past two weeks and I haven't gotten offers from any of them. What's a girl to do? 

(4) Some have been telling me to just take a leap of faith. A leap? Where? So what do you want me to do? Quit my job and go live on the street? Move to another city and start over? Do you people live in a movie?! That stuff doesn't work. I have no where to go and I have no money. This can cause a problem. I trust that God will not just let me starve but Im not stupid (contrary to what my GPA may say). I have to keep my job (no matter how unhappy I am) until I find something else. That's it, bottom line. I am not afraid to fail; however, there is nothing right now that I can take a chance with. I'll take chances, I just don't have any right now.

In the end I just don't know what to do. Thanks for your advice. I welcome it, just please don't be offended if I don't take it.

6 comments:

Trapp Family said...

Hang in there Courtney...I hate making decisions and even change. I know that you are a smart girl and I have only seen you make great decisions. I have NO suggestions afterall I live in baby land. So all i have to say is goodluck!!

Arlene said...

I have been on a mission and know what it is like. The time on a mission wouldn't be used to try and decide what you are going to do in the future. It would be for you to forget yourself and give everything (your time, money, testimony, and love) to the people you serve. It would be time to focus on Christ and others not yourself. However, through the time you may be surprised that you will have the answers you are seeking. Sometimes this is a leap of faith. You do something and then the answers will come. I'm not offended or hurt if you decide not to go on a mission but I feel like you should consider other options. You have a huge heart. You want to give to others. You want to help others. A humanitarian mission might fill the void you are feeling right now.

The George's said...

The best advice anyone ever gave me was when you are trying to find yourself, throw yourself into the service of others. I know it maybe hard, but when you need direction and help the most, you should immerse yourself in the service of others. Good Luck, hang in there! You are a wonderful and intelligent person I'm sure you'll find something.

Cheryl said...

Ditto on the last two comments. You don't have to take our advice, Court, but then you don't have the right to complain constantly about it if you refuse help. It sounds to me like you are just looking for excuses to be miserable.
Harsh?
Probably. But it's been going on for a while now, and you can throw out all the excuses you want, but that doesn't change your current situation.

Re-consider the mission idea. President Hinckley was on his mission when he was upset and frustrated and thinking of himself; remember what his dad said?:
Forget Yourself and Get To Work

Go teach kids in China how to speak English. Go build schools in Africa. Or simply turn in your papers and take the Gospel to the world. The easiest way to forget about our own problems is to serve other people. Losing yourself completely in service will not only give you memories and friends for a lifetime, but you will find yourself. Heavenly Father even told us this in scripture!
Matt. 16:25

And you know we don't give you this advice because we're eager to get rid of you. We love you so dang much and we want you to be happy. All of us (the ones giving you advice) have prayed for you over and over that you would be able to find direction. That email I sent you? I felt prompted to send it. I really apologize if it bothered you. (and if this comment offends and bothers you --especially the first part.)

Like trapp family said: You are smart. You'll figure this out. But taking a leap of faith is not flawed or stupid --it's how God teaches us trust and faith. He won't let you down, you know. You just have to do your part. And that is ACTION.

I love you, child. Don't forget it!

Ariel said...

Courtney, if you have received your patriarchal blessing...read it. Mine is kind of vague in many parts, but it tells me about the woman I can be. Decide on something that makes you happy. If you didn't get paid to do any jobs, what would you choose? What do you like to do in your free time? Everyone has such different interests and excels at different things.

My situation in life is similar to yours. I'm at a crossroad where the road divides into a million other roads. what one do i take?! I keep starting on one road and then step back because of uncertainty. I hope to narrow down some of my choices in the next few months...but what it really comes down to is this: What do you want your life to be defined by? When your eulogy is given what do you want people to say about you?

One of my favorite quotes by president hinckley is this:

"You don't have to be a genius. You don't have to be a straight-A student. You just have to do your very best with all the capability you have. You have to do your very best. And somehow, if you do that, God will open the way before you and the sun will shine, and your lives will be fruitful and you will accomplish great good in the world in which you take a part."

Good luck with all your decision making and come see me next time you are in Provo!

Sy said...

Hey Courtney,

I understand things can be hard. One of the reasons I haven't done the grad school thing yet is because I don't qualify for their minimum requirements either. But there are things you can do about that if you want, it takes time and self-discipline, which for me lasts about 2 weeks at a time, but it is there.

As for the mission, no matter what you shouldn't go unless you feel you should. I get the mission pressure all the time and haven't gone because I too feel like I'd be doing simply because I couldn't think of anything else to do. But seriously, man, look at doing something else like it though. The idea of the humanitarian one or just doing a teaching thing somewhere for a couple of months could be a great thing for you. Of course, it would make money matters bigger, but maybe the pay off would be worth it.

And you are right about jobs. It is a big risk to just take off and hope you find something on the other side. I have had three brothers do this and they were lucky enough to land on their feet, but they were also going somewhere they knew they were supposed to be for some other reason. So, don't just take off unless you know that you should be where ever you are headed.

Take heart, we all face hard times and times where we have no idea what we are doing. You know that we love you and are praying for you. If you need anything just let me know.