Tuesday, February 9, 2010


Friend: "Hey kid, you don't look so good. What's going on? Wanna talk about it?"

Me: "Do I ever?"

Friend: "Haha, no, but you should, right?"

Me: "Yea, I guess."

Friend: "Okay, so sit down."

I did.

Friend: "Now, what's up? What's going on? What are you feeling?"

I bowed my head and starred at my hands. I guess I was hoping they would give me an answer.

I sat in silence trying to think of a way to answer him.

After a few more seconds he asked me again...

"Court, come on, you can't keep it in. It's gonna destroy you... eat you alive. So what is it? What are you feeling?! Don't think about it. Just answer!"

Finally, I looked up. He was starring at me. I could tell he was concerned so I decided to give him an honest answer... something I don't do a lot.

"Nothing... that's it... I feel nothing..."

This isn't the first time I've been like this. It's happened a few times before... a long time ago.

It comes in cycles.

First, I'm happy. I'm usually happy.
[That's probably why people like to be around me]

Next, something bad happens. Something scary. Something traumatizing. Then I become sad. If I can't get out of that, which I usually can, I slowly slip into depression.

Then comes the anger. I become angry with myself and with the situation. I become angry at the fact that I've let myself come this far. But usually I can pull myself out of this. I allow myself to hate, to feel anger, to feel pain. And then it's over...

If I can't get it together in time my body decides that its time to feel nothing.

I see it as a kind of defense mechanism. My body wants to protect me. No more pain, no more sorrow, no more... anything...

Nothing... I feel empty. Even as I write this I feel nothing. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm just empty.

As I said, I've been in this situation before and I know how to get out of it. But do I want to? You know, I've actually wanted this before.

Have you ever been so sad or so hurt that you wish you had no feeling so it wouldn't hurt anymore?

I have. I'm sure I'm not alone.

But I regret it. I'd rather feel pain and sorrow then feel nothing. At least feeling pain still makes me feel like I'm human.

My life is about to change. Change a lot. Change in a way that I need to mentally and physically prepare for.

[Change is good, right? Its the only thing that's constant... as a realist I need that. I crave that.]

So, I gotta get it together, right?

No more of this.

I'll snap out of it. It just takes time.

I know that.

I've been here before.

"The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature." -Anne Frank


Stephanie said...

Love you, Court. Love your honesty.

Rach said...

Court, life is a beautful, colorful experience. You have lived a full life already :) It is reassuring to know that others experience hard times, and knowing this even makes going through them not so hard.

I think if you are human you have felt the same sadness and pain you are talking about. You are not alone. The best advise I have heard recently about going through hard time is, let yourself feel it. Let yourself work through the thoughts and emotions. And that's just it, there is a refining process that comes with working through it.

You will come out of it a better person. We all come out of it better people. Thank you for your thoughts, you are a strong, smart, funny and pretty lady.