Secrets

"Whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he possesses one" -Goethe

I have secrets. I'm sure you do too. Everyone does. We all have our demons, our skeletons, our baggage.

As I've gotten older I've realized that I like having secrets. Just small ones. Ones that no one knows about and the ones that if I told you about you wouldn't care.

My secrets make me feel safe. They make me feel like I still have some control over my life. Like right now... I will reveal a secret to you BUT it's my choice right? I choose what to share and the rest I will keep to myself.

The reason I want to talk about this now is because I am ready to accept it and get past it... hopefully...

I went out to dinner a few days ago with 2 of my awesome guy coworkers. As we ate the guys started talking about how much the LOVE food. "Oh I love food! I could eat this all day! And hey, I could, 'cause I wouldn't gain a pound!" Blah blah blah. They went on and on about how food brings people together. Food is so much fun. Food is so relaxing. Food is just awesome.

"Right, Court?! Don't you just love this?"

...um... not really. Was it fun for me? No. Is it ever? Come on now...

Why? It's simple.

*deep breath*

I am afraid of food.

That's it. Bottom line.

When I eat I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I feel regret. I fear.

Eating to me is a chore. I eat because I need to.

Flashback
College was the hardest. I was constantly in a battle with myself over food. I struggled with bulimia and anorexia all through my 4 years at BYU (the last 2 years I was completely bulimic). A lot of it had to do with me controlling myself. Another part had to do with the fact that I believed that I had to get married in college or else I would end up alone. I felt like I was in constant competition with my gorgeous roommates. And then it was these awesome conversations that pushed me over the top.

It was hard, I won't lie, I had confidence in college. I think it was a crazy reverse self-esteem problem. See I THOUGHT I was fine lookin' but "they" didn't think so. No, no, I wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough for "them". [Usually its the other way around: the girl thinks she's ugly when she's not. Strange.]

Flashforward
It's getting better though. Eating is still a struggle, but that's the life of a woman. I've recently started counting my calories (I found a sweet app on my Itouch), not because I want to loose weight but because I need to eat more (but not gain weight). My goal is 1500 calories a day. I usually get about 600. Over the last 5 weeks I've been eating more, but as a result my anxiety is through the roof. To relieve the stress I go running. That's good right? I gotta stay in shape for the field season.

It still is and always will be a battle. I think what makes it hard is the fact that I don't think I'm fat. I'm in, relatively, good shape. I can hike 14 miles and day for weeks on end and be just fine. This is a battle between me and "them". I've accepted myself (well duh, I'm awesome). Why can't they?

Me and my idiot-box

I’ve always liked to watch TV. “People” always say that too much TV will fry your brain. As long as I am entertained while my brain is being fried then I’m totally fine with that.

I recently started buying the seasons of my favorite shows because I want to watch them in full, from start to finish. Here are some of my recent purchases along with some personal reviews:

LOST

I bought seasons 1-5 and watched them over Christmas “break” before the final season 6 started. I’m definitely not as lost (pun intended) as most people are because I watched all seasons in quick succession. The main reason I love this show is because there is so much character development, especially the villains. One thing I really hate about most shows, movies, or books is that they focus on the hero. The hero usually has a trial, over comes the trial, and then beats down the villain. But what about the villian? What’s his story? What made him into a bad guy? Does he consider himself a bad guy?

This show is complicated and a lot of fun to watch. I would recommend not spacing out the episodes too much though.

Seinfeld

This show (along with FRIENDS) is always on TV and I’ve seen 95% of the episodes prior to buying the entire series. Seinfeld is made so you don’t have to watch it in succession or know the background story in order to enjoy an episode here or there. I think a big reason why I didn’t like the series finale is because I didn’t watch the show in succession and I didn’t know the main, secondary, and other characters as well as I should have. I just finished watching this series and I loved it. I loved watching the characters develop through out the 9 years. I love all the crazy background stories (relationships, inside jokes, families, etc) that make the show so much funnier.

How I Met Your Mother

I was flipping through the channels one night when I came across this show. It happened to be the “Naked Man” episode and it caught my attention. I laughed through the entire episode and then I was hooked. I bought the first 4 seasons and watched whenever I needed a good laugh. I think this is one of the most underrated shows currently on TV.

FRIENDS

I’ve always loved FRIENDS. I watched the last 3 years of the show religiously and I’ve been hooked ever since. I think over the last 2 years I’ve watched the entire series through twice. I just can’t get enough of it.

Arrested Development

Another completely underrated show. If you love socially awkward situations and messed up families you will LOVE this show. It only lasted for 2.5 seasons but every episode is classic.

X-Files

I remember watching this show with my dad when I was really young. When I moved into the P-Hut, my senior year of college, I met Coleen. We quickly discovered that we had many things in common, one being our love of EBEs (extraterrestrial biological entities). Over the course of my senior year Coleen and I watched all 9 seasons of X-Files. The show was originally created as a “monster of the week” show; each episode was made to stand-alone. Shortly after starting, the mythology part of the show (aliens, government conspiracies, etc.) was introduced and stuck around for the rest of the series.

Next on my list:

&

What’s your favorite show? Do you have any suggestions for me?

**And feel free to borrow any of these from me! I love to share! : )

Adventures in Tooele

A few weeks ago my boss Dave came into my office to tell me that we were going to Tooele for a survey. Most people would be upset upon hearing this news. I was not... and here's why...

(1) I needed to get out of the office and start hiking again.
(2) I use to live in SLC and I knew I would be able to see some of my old friends again.
(3) I knew Malorie was living in SLC with her husband and she would likely be coming out on survey with us. Roommate!
(4) Park City is close by.
(5) Six awesome people from the Tucson office were coming up to help with the projects (5 of them I haven't seen since the UNEV excavation last summer).
(6) The Haunted Kirk Hotel!!

Little did I know that we would be hiking between 13 and 17 miles a day...

For reals!

I'm not gonna lie, the work days were long and hard. It snowed, rained, hailed, and was sunny all within 30 minutes... multiple times. The terrain consisted of large drainages, 45 degree slopes, snow, sand dunes, rocks, and forest so thick you had to sometimes hike 60 meters just to find a way through the trees.

But did I complain?

Yep!

But not too much.

The nights and weekends are what I really looked forward to.

Sushi Night:
I got a call from my old roommate inviting me to come over and make sushi with her and some friends.

We went to the store, bought all kinds of veggies and meat, prepared the food, and then waited... and waited... and waited...

Apparently rice takes a REALLY long time to make.

We were all starving so Lisa made us some appetizers: toaster strudel and mozzarella sticks!

[Austin, Lisa]

[Lisa]

Finally the rice was ready! Apparently you have to fan it as you add other ingredients to make it more sticky... who knew?

[Brooke, Me, Austin, Lisa]

Now we were ready... first you prepare the roll,

then you roll the roll,

then sharpen the knives,

and Voila! Awesomeness!


Homemade sushi is the way to go! So much cheaper and a ton of fun!

Park City:
What would a trip up north be without a little Park City action?

This was a great opportunity to try out my new camera.


Bonneville Salt Flats:

I've seen them. A million times. But, being the awesome tour guide that I am, I decided to take my coworkers out to the Bonneville Salt Flats.

If you haven't seen them they are worth seeing... once.

The summer is by far the best time to go out onto the salt flats. On a clear day you can actually see the curvature of the earth!

Kirk Hotel:

The best part about the trip was staying at the haunted Kirk Hotel. Dave and I found this hotel the last time we were up in Tooele and we decided, then and there, that we would stay here again if we ever made it back to Tooele.

The hotel was built before the Great Depression and it is still up and running.

The out side is old and creepy but the inside is pretty rockin! There is a community kitchen and living rooms and most of the bedrooms have recently been redone.

The hotel is still heated by an old coal oven, a ghost dog roams the halls, and my bedroom lights turn on and off by themselves... but I'm not complaining! This hotel rocks!