Thursday, April 24, 2008

A conversation that scared me


I love babies. Every time I see a cute kid or an adorable baby I always cry out, in a high pitched voice, "AW BABIES!" 

I've always wanted to have kids. Don't worry, not now, but some day after I have been married for a few years, I would love to have a couple of kids. I recently had a conversation that really scared me out of ever having kids. So this is basically what happened:

Ok so I have always had a problem with my appearance. I go back and forth on how I feel about my body. But I don't think that I am fat (most days). Others may disagree but I have a pretty good body image. I hike 12 miles a day, I run between 4 and 6 miles a day, AND I watch what I eat (most of the time). I am in fine shape. Although my physical image may not look like it. And this is where the problem lies. I should have a better body to match how much exercise I get, but I don't. 

Through out college I had a hard time with my image. I went back and forth with my feelings about my weight. It was hard because my roommates were always so pretty and skinny but they always thought they were fat; hence, I thought I was fat. I struggled with the nervosa (anorexia and bulimia) eating disorders for some time. I would even lose my desire to eat... my appetite would be completely gone. It was hard. But when I would move past that, and regain my positive body image again, something like this would happen.

The Conversation:
I was hanging out with some of my guy friends when the topic of weight came up. Some of them stated that they would never date a girl that weighed over 150 lbs. Crazy? Not to them. I tried to tell them that weight is relative but they didn't listen. Next, they stated that when they got married, if their wife ever gained weight, they would make her go to the gym right away. They understood that a woman would gain weight while pregnant but they said that she needed to loose it after she gave birth. They told me that too many women "let themselves go" after they get married and that this is a problem. I explained to them that having kids is hard on your body and that very very few women get their bodies back after childbirth. They were not big fans of this. The guys claimed that they will take care of their bodies so the women should too and they would have a hard time being physical with a wife that they were no longer attracted to because she had gained weight.

Its a hard situation to deal with now. I am so back and forth about my body image and I know that maintaining my weight NOW is hard, and after I have kids it will get even harder. Don't guys understand that taking care of the kids and the house and all the other stuff really doesn't leave women much TIME to take care of their bodies? No.

So is it worth it? Is it worth having kids and losing your body? Is it worth the risk that my husband may not be physically attracted to me after the kids come along? Guys have unreal expectations about what they should expect in a woman and the body is one of them. Don't they understand that women have a CONSTANT struggle with they weight? This is something that I (and most other women) have to deal with daily... And it's something that some of us have dealt with for a very long time. I can't just eat what I want, when I want it. I can't just sit on my butt and watch the Laker game and eat a pizza by myself without regretting it later. This is something women have to deal with and it sucks.

In the end, I don't know why I am worrying so much about this. Maybe its because I am scarred to date because that leads to finding a husband, which leads to fear of him leaving me because I gained weight after having our kids. I want kids but is it worth the risk? I know other women struggle with this too... It was just on my mind...



Tyler & Melissa Owens said...

seriously don't worry about it. when you get married, he will love you so much that he will be completely in love with you and your body. whether you gain post baby weight or not. missy has gained 20 pounds now and i honestly love her body just as much now as before. honest. not all guys are like this. but the right one that will love you to pieces will be.
miss you, just so you know, i think your blog is the only blog i read everytime cuz you always have something interesting or thought provoking to say.

Trapp Family said...

First let me just say that I love your blog and how insightful you are!
Then I say that those boys are obviously not ready to be married. It is so worth it for those babies.....I think that once any husband sees that cute babies face really all concerns melt away. Maybe I am ignorant but then again I have a vague recollection of what my old body looks like. But I am sure that you will have a husband who love and appreciate all your hard work. Otherwise I doubt you would marry them!!!

Dan and Michelle said...

Well, this blog post made me a little upset. Not because of you Courtney. I love you! I am so mad at your guy friends. They obviously are to immature to ever get married at this point. If a guy cannot still love you for gaining a little weight, then he doesn't deserve you. I agree that women shouldn't let themselves go, but bodies change over time. I weigh less than I did before I had kids, but my body is definitely not the same shape it was. When the right guy comes along he will love you no matter what!

P.S. I changed my phone number...I'll call you later with it, unless you want to ask your Mom. See you soon!

Cheryl said...

I have to ditto what my sister said. Also, the first comment. Honestly? Those men are gonna be lucky if they ever get married. Maybe they don't want to get married and are using the pedestal as an excuse...? Seriously, that is so stupid. My husband gained more weight after we had our four children, then I ever did. And I never thought he was unattractive. Even when I had 40 pounds more on my body (which I just recently lost), my husband still loved me and our sex life? It never wained.

Those guys you were talking to know nothing about life, and absolutley NOTHING about love.

It's worth the risk. What better thing can their be than for a man and woman through an act of love, create another life? And if there's some "baggage" along the way, how could it not be worth it? I can tell you now, today, forever! that it is totally worth every risk and every sacrifice, and every piece of belly fat. My stretch marks are my war wounds --they show me daily that I gave my children life. And although this comment is already too long, I have to say that when a husband and wife love each other and make those covenants to be with each other --for eternity!! --a little body fat means NOTHING.

Okay, that said, it's been wonderful for Brandon and I to lose our extra weight together. For sure, it's important to be healthy. But it's even more important to be realistic, and Court, you are spot on!

Love you!!

Arlene said...

It is amazing how smart my nieces are. They are right on. These guy friends are extremely immature. Once they find the one person to love, a few extra pounds won't hurt their marriage unless it causes the women so much stress that it puts stress on the marriage. That is a separate issue. I know your dad loves me now just as much (or more) than when I was thinner. Sure he helps me keep the weight off - encourages walking, Curves and WW but I don't think divorce is in the making because I am heavier than when we got married. Your guys friends need to grow up and think of someone other than themselves.

Justin, Allison, and Emily said...

hi courtney. this is allison. when i read about your friends i laughed at their idiocy! they are going to have one rude life wake up call when their wives have babies and those boys then tell them to get their buns to the gym. those little wives will slap them so hard they won't be able to talk. so don't worry about them, they are psychotic and will end up alone and unhappy. having babies is totally worth your body getting all crazy and thrown out of whack.

Courtney N said...

Thanks a lot! I know that you are the kind of guy that wouldn't care what you wife looked like (even though Melissa is BEAUTIFUL!!) and that you would always love her for who she is. My friends can learn a lesson from you! Im happy to hear you like my blog though, I will try and keep up with the thought provoking topics.

Seriously they are not ready to be married! Maybe I should have them read my blog and all the comments that come with it.

I will see you soon!

The guys are so focused on the present and are so concerned with making sure that their wives are "arm candy". They are not ready to be married if looks is what they are so focused on. Its a game to them: who can get the best looking wife. Its crazy and ridiculous!

You and dad are such an example to me! Thanks so much!

Its SO true! Either the wives are gonna slap them or they are gonna tell the guys to get off their own butts and go work out! Im glad that you think babies are worth it; cause your seriously is! You have such a cute little family!

Lisa said...

Tell those boys to grow up!!! Ask them if their wives are going to love them less when they are BALD!!!
Love you and you are beautiful just the way you are!!!
Hugs and kisses...Aunt Lisa

The Rasmussen's said...


although I understand your frusteration to their very brillantly thought out comments, I say don't take it to heart to much. When you find someone that you care about certain things don't matter. He will appreciate you for who you are. I know that sounds text book, but I truly mean it. I struggled (and still do) with having dark skin. Every guy I dated had to know I was dark. My husband was the first guy I met that could truly care less if I was white, brown, black, or purple. When you find the right person he will accept you.

And a comment on your other blog about opening yourself up. I lived with you for a whole year, I probably didn't get to know every detail of your life, but I will say every person has their own personnel secrets that no one needs to know. How much you choose to give out is your decision, and should not be judged. In your decision on who to date you need to be comfortable with him and how much your letting him know about you. Everything will come out in due time if that's who you choose to be with. I love you to death, and I know everything will work out as it's supposed to.

Tiersha said...

Ok can I go girl!!! First of all, you sit and watch the Lakers eating pizza. That is awesome. Second of all, those guys are LAME and superficial and not the kind of guy you want anyways. I think a lot of single guys talk a lot of smack. I have seen just as many guys, maybe more, let themselves go after marriage too. It's not just the woman. A guy that will tell his wife to go to the gym? Puuuullleeease!! He will have to marry some submissive girl who has no back bone. The day will NEVER come when my hubby tells me to go work out. I want to still look good for my husband after we are married, and I will do my best, but sometimes your best might not be what other people's best is. Big deal! But like everyone says, whoever you marry will love you for you! No doubt!

~ Jamie ~ said...

I must say most guys think that way but when we grow up and realize that there are more important things in life than weight.

I look forward to seeing you this weekend. You will have to tell me all about your hiking trip in the UK.

Go Lakers!!!!

Uncle Alan