Monday, March 22, 2010

Secrets

"Whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he possesses one" -Goethe

I have secrets. I'm sure you do too. Everyone does. We all have our demons, our skeletons, our baggage.

As I've gotten older I've realized that I like having secrets. Just small ones. Ones that no one knows about and the ones that if I told you about you wouldn't care.

My secrets make me feel safe. They make me feel like I still have some control over my life. Like right now... I will reveal a secret to you BUT it's my choice right? I choose what to share and the rest I will keep to myself.

The reason I want to talk about this now is because I am ready to accept it and get past it... hopefully...

I went out to dinner a few days ago with 2 of my awesome guy coworkers. As we ate the guys started talking about how much the LOVE food. "Oh I love food! I could eat this all day! And hey, I could, 'cause I wouldn't gain a pound!" Blah blah blah. They went on and on about how food brings people together. Food is so much fun. Food is so relaxing. Food is just awesome.

"Right, Court?! Don't you just love this?"

...um... not really. Was it fun for me? No. Is it ever? Come on now...

Why? It's simple.

*deep breath*

I am afraid of food.

That's it. Bottom line.

When I eat I feel nervous. I feel anxious. I feel regret. I fear.

Eating to me is a chore. I eat because I need to.

Flashback
College was the hardest. I was constantly in a battle with myself over food. I struggled with bulimia and anorexia all through my 4 years at BYU (the last 2 years I was completely bulimic). A lot of it had to do with me controlling myself. Another part had to do with the fact that I believed that I had to get married in college or else I would end up alone. I felt like I was in constant competition with my gorgeous roommates. And then it was these awesome conversations that pushed me over the top.

It was hard, I won't lie, I had confidence in college. I think it was a crazy reverse self-esteem problem. See I THOUGHT I was fine lookin' but "they" didn't think so. No, no, I wasn't pretty enough or skinny enough for "them". [Usually its the other way around: the girl thinks she's ugly when she's not. Strange.]

Flashforward
It's getting better though. Eating is still a struggle, but that's the life of a woman. I've recently started counting my calories (I found a sweet app on my Itouch), not because I want to loose weight but because I need to eat more (but not gain weight). My goal is 1500 calories a day. I usually get about 600. Over the last 5 weeks I've been eating more, but as a result my anxiety is through the roof. To relieve the stress I go running. That's good right? I gotta stay in shape for the field season.

It still is and always will be a battle. I think what makes it hard is the fact that I don't think I'm fat. I'm in, relatively, good shape. I can hike 14 miles and day for weeks on end and be just fine. This is a battle between me and "them". I've accepted myself (well duh, I'm awesome). Why can't they?

3 comments:

emilie s. d. p. said...

I'm so glad you decided to share this secret. I'm sure it wasn't easy but I think it will resonate with a lot of other women. It seems like there is always so much to keep up with and even when you're really perfectly happy with the way you look it can all change in an instant and all the sudden you feel like crap and totally out of control. I get what you're saying about having a need to just control something in your life.

I hope eating becomes easier for you and that counting your calories helps. It will still give you that element of control while, hopefully, letting you enjoy your meals without all the nervousness.

And by the way, the fact that you walk and run as much as you do makes me feel like a major bum! :o)

Biff said...

You are courageous, Courtney! And I'm sure you'll continue to make progress and be *happy* with that progress. Thanks for sharing this!

Lacey Lue said...

I love you. And duh, you are awesome. Thanks for sharing this. I'm kind of kicking myself for not being able to help you with it at the time. Probably because I was too self-centered. But I am glad you shared now.

I think you are totally right about "them." It seems like we have let society dictate what is and isn't good, or hot, or sexy. And yet, very few people fit that standard. But "they" still expect it. But you are amazing! and pretty and smart and all the things you should be. If I had a dollar for every amazing friend I had that was single, I would be quite wealthy. But lucky for us females in the 21st century, marriage isn't our only chance at happiness.

I love you loads! And duh, you are awesome! Rock, rock on!