Saturday, March 22, 2008

Reality Slap

Yesterday was a sad day for me. I pride myself on being a realist and reality finally caught up with me. 

I was hiking (like I do day after day) on my transect when all of a sudden I stopped. I stopped dead in my tracks and I had this feeling. It was a horrible feeling. I thought. I pondered. And this thought entered into my head: "Is this it? Is this really what my life has come down to? Is this really my purpose here? I thought I was special. I thought I was meant to be someone important..." 

So is this really it? I graduated from college with a degree in something that I love. But is that enough? I can't do this for the rest of my life. I can't go away for ten days at a time and hike 14 miles a day. I can do it physically but I can't do it emotionally. I studied anthropology because I love people. I am a people person. I have a lot of friends and I love being around them. But my job stops that. After hiking all day I'm tired. I am physically and emotionally drained. I don't feel like going out and hanging out with my friends at night when I am this tired. I could never meet anyone and get married and have a family when I am working this crazy schedule.

Thats not just it. I always thought that I would do something special with my life. I always thought I had potential to do something great with my life. But being an archaeologist isn't it. No one cares about archaeologist. What have we ever contributed to society? What will I ever contribute to society? 

I always knew I would go to grad school but I'm having a hard time deciding what I want to specialize in. Either way I'm going to be in debt (20,000 dollars a semester is not cheap) and I will be for the rest of my life because Archaeologist (and any other profession connected to archaeology) don't make any money. 

Don't get me wrong, I like my job. But I just can't do it for the rest of my life. Unless I want to be some kind of hermit and live in a shack in SLC for the rest of my life.

I guess this all came from the fact that I look around me and I see other people being successful:
(1) Some of my friends are graduating from college with amazing job offers 
(2) Others are getting married and starting families
(3) Some are finding out what they love and are getting direction in that
(4) Others are going to Law school, Medical school, Dental school, or other grad schools right out of college.

I want that. I want to know what I want and I want to go and get it. I just don't know what that is yet. I'm not getting any younger. 


Arlene said...

Yes, that is a reality check but you are still young and still have time to find that job that is right for you. Maybe working in a museum wouldn't be as fulfilling as surveying and digging but the hours would be more regular. What other options are there in your field so that you don't have to change that. You love the field not the hours. Don't get frustrated. Just breathe and find out what the options are. Love you

Jamie said...

Your mom's absolutely right. Take a big breath. You will be okay. You will find the way.

Cheryl said...

I think you should just quit it all and become my nanny for free. It'll be like going to "life" school or something, but you don't have to pay!

Yeah, okay. Your mom's advice is better. Darn it. :)

You'll figure it out! I will. Be prayerful as you make your decisions, and you'll be okay.

allison said...

Keep your chin up Courtney! Luckily for us life is made up in chapters, some are super exciting and others are kind of - well not as exciting. And remember you're a sweetheart.

Meg said...

I know how you feel but I"m sure it gets better. I was dumb and didn't even TRY to go to college. I work as a Chiropractc assistant making crap for money and my little sister is married but I'm not even an inch closer to the altar... AND David and Kristen BOTH have a baby (each) now..... in mormon land I'm already a SPINSTER!!! I still love ya! ;) P.S. I wish I could be an archaeologist.... that was something I wanted to do, but didn't realize I could. I'm jealous.