I've only been sure about one thing in my life. One thing. One thing only. It has been my life. It has been my goal. My dream. If I believed in destiny, then this would be mine: I am going to be a wife and a mother and I'm going to be great at it!
I've believed this for my entire life.
It has kept me going. It has made me strive to be a better person. Whenever something exciting happens to me I like to think about how I will tell my children that story. Whenever something bad happens I think about the life lessons I've learned and how I will be able to teach my children these principles.
Whenever I get sad, or lonely, or depressed I think about them. They make me happy. They make me want to be a better person because I want to be a great mother for them.
Now, things have changed... I'm 25, single, and have never been in a good, committed, long-term relationship. When guys meet me I'm stereotyped ["Still single? Ouch! I wonder what's wrong with her?"]
Things have changed and now I'm sure about something else: It will never happen. He's not coming. So they are not coming.
I can live with this. Knowing that I'll be alone for the rest of my life (how bold huh?). I can deal with this. I think my family takes it harder then I do. I know that people base a lot of self worth on marriage. I remember my cousin was making a scrapbook for my grandparents and we (the grandkids) were supposed to write up a paragraph about what we've accomplished in the last 5 years or so. Her example of these "accomplishments" were engagement, marriage, children, etc. Ok, so I guess I haven't "accomplished" anything then... well, according to some peoples standards. BUT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED THINGS! I've graduated from college, became independent, started my career, never went without a job, got recruited for my current job, and got published.
One of my favorite cousins just got married and I went to her wedding in CA. While I was there a few people came up to me, gave me the sympathetic-head-tilt-and-smile, hugged me, and then said, "Don't worry, you're time will come."
My "time" is not coming.
So sorry to disappoint.
You see, they (family, friends, anyone else that gives a crap) care more then I do. They always say, "I just want you to be happy."
So... getting married automatically makes you happy? Getting married makes life easier? Getting married guarantees you happiness? Really? I don't think so.
I read the blogs. I hear the heartache. I see the facebook post. Blah blah blah "I want to go camping with the guys but the old ball and chain won't let me". Well, isn't that so freakin' sweet. Yeah that's all I want to be. Somebody's ball and chain. The butt of guys-night-out jokes. "My wife gained so much weight after our first child AND she never lost it!" ... Blah blah blah... Yea that sounds like a hoot! Sign me up!
I'm not pessimistic. I'm a realist.
I'm done with searching. I'm done with waiting. I've accepted it. You should too.
He's not coming and neither are they.
p.s. I like to make a special shout out to my kind older brother who mumbled under his breath "...and that's why your alone" to me after I made a bratty comment to him.
If you know of any more reasons why I'm alone feel free to leave a comment and I'll add it to my long, already existing, self made list.