Monday, September 6, 2010

che sanza speme vivemo in disio

I've only been sure about one thing in my life. One thing. One thing only. It has been my life. It has been my goal. My dream. If I believed in destiny, then this would be mine: I am going to be a wife and a mother and I'm going to be great at it!

I've believed this for my entire life.

It has kept me going. It has made me strive to be a better person. Whenever something exciting happens to me I like to think about how I will tell my children that story. Whenever something bad happens I think about the life lessons I've learned and how I will be able to teach my children these principles.

Whenever I get sad, or lonely, or depressed I think about them. They make me happy. They make me want to be a better person because I want to be a great mother for them.

Now, things have changed... I'm 25, single, and have never been in a good, committed, long-term relationship. When guys meet me I'm stereotyped ["Still single? Ouch! I wonder what's wrong with her?"]

Things have changed and now I'm sure about something else: It will never happen. He's not coming. So they are not coming.

I can live with this. Knowing that I'll be alone for the rest of my life (how bold huh?). I can deal with this. I think my family takes it harder then I do. I know that people base a lot of self worth on marriage. I remember my cousin was making a scrapbook for my grandparents and we (the grandkids) were supposed to write up a paragraph about what we've accomplished in the last 5 years or so. Her example of these "accomplishments" were engagement, marriage, children, etc. Ok, so I guess I haven't "accomplished" anything then... well, according to some peoples standards. BUT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED THINGS! I've graduated from college, became independent, started my career, never went without a job, got recruited for my current job, and got published.

One of my favorite cousins just got married and I went to her wedding in CA. While I was there a few people came up to me, gave me the sympathetic-head-tilt-and-smile, hugged me, and then said, "Don't worry, you're time will come."

Um, thanks.

My "time" is not coming.

So sorry to disappoint.

You see, they (family, friends, anyone else that gives a crap) care more then I do. They always say, "I just want you to be happy."

So... getting married automatically makes you happy? Getting married makes life easier? Getting married guarantees you happiness? Really? I don't think so.

I read the blogs. I hear the heartache. I see the facebook post. Blah blah blah "I want to go camping with the guys but the old ball and chain won't let me". Well, isn't that so freakin' sweet. Yeah that's all I want to be. Somebody's ball and chain. The butt of guys-night-out jokes. "My wife gained so much weight after our first child AND she never lost it!" ... Blah blah blah... Yea that sounds like a hoot! Sign me up!

I'm not pessimistic. I'm a realist.

I'm done with searching. I'm done with waiting. I've accepted it. You should too.

He's not coming and neither are they.

p.s. I like to make a special shout out to my kind older brother who mumbled under his breath "...and that's why your alone" to me after I made a bratty comment to him.

If you know of any more reasons why I'm alone feel free to leave a comment and I'll add it to my long, already existing, self made list.


Ani said...

It is kinda lame that I never leave comments on here, but I read all your posts, and love hearing about all your adventures, and you awesome job. I think you are sooo lucky that you get to have this time to yourself to focus on what you are passionate about and just have fun.
Yes, being a wife and mom is fun, and whatnot, but you give up a lot too. Just think, you will have been able to experience all of these great things, AND get to have the time to be a wife and mom.
I think 25 in the "Mormon Bubble" might feel like your time is ticking, but seriously? We are still SO young. In the "real" world, no one would be feeling sorry for you. And, I know you don't want to be hearing any of this. BUT I couldn't not say something. You are such an accomplished, beautiful, and FUN girl. And I have to laugh, because once someone says they are over just when it happens.
I can totally understand how it might be frustrating right now, but just have fun and enjoy this time...cuz before you know it, you will be on to the next stage in life.
Anyhow. Sorry if this is so random, but I have always thought you were such a neat girl. And sorry I never comment. I have you on my google reader, so I will have to start making the HUGE effort to actually click on over and make some comments over here!
OK, the end.

Aubrey said...

Court, this is kind of ironic how last night I was just telling Joe, I feel so sorry for all the people that think they have to get married before they are 22 or so. I would have been such a different person if I married when I thought I should have at age 19/20 to someone I was in a few year committed relationship with. Even being married for a 1 1/2 people have doubts in the mormon world why you haven't had kids yet...come on you know better then this to listen to anyone who is trying to make you feel better by saying your time will come. I feel sorry for people believing things like you'll be happier once...... happens. you won't. you will only be happy if you want to be happy in each stage of you life. I know you are happy but I hope you are the happiest doing what you love doing.
My answer to why you are still single is because you need to find a famous bone and have them name is after you before you can get married and quit. hehehe

Lacey Lue said...

This is why I love you! I had a bunch of people back home tell me when I told them I was going to graduate school..."Oh, maybe you'll meet Mr. Right there." yes... that is the sole purpose in me going to grad school. Haha.

I think you're right though... sometimes people care more than you. But, surprise, you can be happy single. Who knew?

Stephanie said...

I love how honest you are with so many of your posts. Things that people think, but hardly ever write about.

Can I just add that 25 is not old by any means, that life happens how it should when we live how we should, that not being married is ok--or better yet, good, that we learn what we need to learn through the experiences we have, that some aspects of mormon culture are lame, and that our earthly missions are unique.

People that are saying "things" probably don't really understand the implications of what they say.

Cheryl said...

I have nothing good to say. I just don't want you to claim that "he" and "they" are never going to come, but extreme thinking like that will only cause you to dismiss "him" when he does come along.

Instead of focusing on the two sides (single versus married), just focus on the day to day. Don't say "never" because that's not truth. In fact, it's almost as bad as those 18 year olds who are convinced they will be married before they turn 20.

Janice was 34. Grandma was 33. Do you think they are any less happy or more happy than those married at 19? Nope

Just ignore people's crap. Come up with something good like...not caring what they say. Easier said than done, but still a good way to go, man...

P.S. Love you!

Jessica Munk said...

I agree with Cheryl :)