A conversation that scared me

"BABIES!"

I love babies. Every time I see a cute kid or an adorable baby I always cry out, in a high pitched voice, "AW BABIES!" 

I've always wanted to have kids. Don't worry, not now, but some day after I have been married for a few years, I would love to have a couple of kids. I recently had a conversation that really scared me out of ever having kids. So this is basically what happened:

Pre-conversation:

Ok so I have always had a problem with my appearance. I go back and forth on how I feel about my body. But I don't think that I am fat (most days). Others may disagree but I have a pretty good body image. I hike 12 miles a day, I run between 4 and 6 miles a day, AND I watch what I eat (most of the time). I am in fine shape. Although my physical image may not look like it. And this is where the problem lies. I should have a better body to match how much exercise I get, but I don't. 

Through out college I had a hard time with my image. I went back and forth with my feelings about my weight. It was hard because my roommates were always so pretty and skinny but they always thought they were fat; hence, I thought I was fat. I struggled with the nervosa (anorexia and bulimia) eating disorders for some time. I would even lose my desire to eat... my appetite would be completely gone. It was hard. But when I would move past that, and regain my positive body image again, something like this would happen.

The Conversation:

I was hanging out with some of my guy friends when the topic of weight came up. Some of them stated that they would never date a girl that weighed over 150 lbs. Crazy? Not to them. I tried to tell them that weight is relative but they didn't listen. Next, they stated that when they got married, if their wife ever gained weight, they would make her go to the gym right away. They understood that a woman would gain weight while pregnant but they said that she needed to loose it after she gave birth. They told me that too many women "let themselves go" after they get married and that this is a problem. I explained to them that having kids is hard on your body and that very very few women get their bodies back after childbirth. They were not big fans of this. The guys claimed that they will take care of their bodies so the women should too and they would have a hard time being physical with a wife that they were no longer attracted to because she had gained weight.

Post-conversation:

Its a hard situation to deal with now. I am so back and forth about my body image and I know that maintaining my weight NOW is hard, and after I have kids it will get even harder. Don't guys understand that taking care of the kids and the house and all the other stuff really doesn't leave women much TIME to take care of their bodies? No.

So is it worth it? Is it worth having kids and losing your body? Is it worth the risk that my husband may not be physically attracted to me after the kids come along? Guys have unreal expectations about what they should expect in a woman and the body is one of them. Don't they understand that women have a CONSTANT struggle with they weight? This is something that I (and most other women) have to deal with daily... And it's something that some of us have dealt with for a very long time. I can't just eat what I want, when I want it. I can't just sit on my butt and watch the Laker game and eat a pizza by myself without regretting it later. This is something women have to deal with and it sucks.

In the end, I don't know why I am worrying so much about this. Maybe its because I am scarred to date because that leads to finding a husband, which leads to fear of him leaving me because I gained weight after having our kids. I want kids but is it worth the risk? I know other women struggle with this too... It was just on my mind...

 

Hey there sports fan!!

Some people don't know this about me but I LOVE sports. If I get home from work and there is a game on, I don't care who it is, I will usually watch it. I will follow most major sports (MLB, NBA, NFL, college basketball) especially when it comes to the Angels (MLB), the Chargers (NFL), or the Lakers (NBA). Seriously, ask my brothers! I am constantly text messaging them to find out the scores of games, especially when I am out in the field and can't get the scores myself. So what is the point of this blog? Well...

THE LAKERS ARE IN THE PLAYOFFS AND THEY ARE NUMBER 1!!

Yes, yes I am a Laker fan! If you didn't know that about me then you obviously don't know me that well. I think of the Lakers as the Yankees of Basketball: either you love them or you hate them.

I would love to see the Lakers win another championship and this year maybe the one to do it... all they have to do is beat out some amazing teams in the west and then face the winner of the east (Im thinking it will be either Detroit or Boston). Simple enough for Kobe and the Lakers... Have faith... I do!

The first game of Lakers vs. Denver is today and you can bet I am going to watch it! GO LAKERS!

Rules are made to be broken

I was recently told, by a great friend of mine, to "take my walls down". Now what does this mean? Well I have a hard time letting people get close to me. I trust everyone I meet to a certain extent, but then in order to get past that it takes a lot of effort and time. I put up these "walls" as a way to defend myself. You can also call these "defense mechanisms". I don't just use these when it comes to friendships but when it comes to all kinds of relationships.

So what my friend was referring to was the fact that I have a lot of rules when it comes to dating. I won't date my co-workers, my friends, guys in my ward, or guys in my major (this is for college). I don't think that these are bad rules. If you date someone at work, and then you have a bad breakup, it can not only affect your work situation, but the other co-workers as well. Dating friends is complicated. I have a lot of guy friends. What if I started liking one of them (which I do now...)? What if we were to date? What if we were to break up? Not only could my relationship with him be ruined but also the relationship I have with our mutual friends. I could never risk that. I would not only be risking my friendships, but my friends friendships (is this getting complicated?). Would I do this just for a chance at happiness? No, I don't want to be selfish. 

What this all comes down to is the fact that my friend wants me to take a chance with someone. She wants me to take down my walls, throw out my rules, and just date. Ok. But wait.... it's not that easy. She told me that I don't date cause I have these rules, but what if I throw out all my rules and I still don't date? Then I am just a loser who can't get a date. Right now I can't get a date cause I have rules... so you see, I am protecting myself. 

Its complicated and pathetic, I know. I've been hurt in the past... ok, who hasn't. So don't I have the right to protect myself? 

Its all so funny because people keep telling me to "go for it" with this guy, but its harder then that. It needs to be a two-way relationship. 

So either the walls are coming down or I am going to build them up stronger then ever before...

I Am In History

"Did you find anything cool?"

This is usually the first thing people ask me after I tell them what I do. I usually respond with and sigh and then some kind of cheesy joke about rusted tin cans. But now I can actually say that I have found something pretty cool. 

On survey out by Tremonton, UT, we came across the town site of Kosmo. Now this was once a town that the Transcontinental Railroad went through. At one point around 200 people lived here.

Above are pictures of all that is left of a loading dock for the railroad.

This is a foundation of a house. There were about 25 of these total that we found in the town. I actually came across this one. I almost fell in because it is completely covered by salt brush.

This is Sam pointing to the old railroad. It's like we were standing on history!

This is me and Sam going "Hoth Style"

With the temperature being below freezing and the 40 mile per hour winds, we have to find ways to keep warm and be happy.

So when all is said and done, finding that ghost town was worth the freezing cold. There was a strange feeling when I was standing on the site where the Transcontinental railroad once was.

Well there you go... yes I did find something cool!