I was recently told, by a great friend of mine, to "take my walls down". Now what does this mean? Well I have a hard time letting people get close to me. I trust everyone I meet to a certain extent, but then in order to get past that it takes a lot of effort and time. I put up these "walls" as a way to defend myself. You can also call these "defense mechanisms". I don't just use these when it comes to friendships but when it comes to all kinds of relationships.
So what my friend was referring to was the fact that I have a lot of rules when it comes to dating. I won't date my co-workers, my friends, guys in my ward, or guys in my major (this is for college). I don't think that these are bad rules. If you date someone at work, and then you have a bad breakup, it can not only affect your work situation, but the other co-workers as well. Dating friends is complicated. I have a lot of guy friends. What if I started liking one of them (which I do now...)? What if we were to date? What if we were to break up? Not only could my relationship with him be ruined but also the relationship I have with our mutual friends. I could never risk that. I would not only be risking my friendships, but my friends friendships (is this getting complicated?). Would I do this just for a chance at happiness? No, I don't want to be selfish.
What this all comes down to is the fact that my friend wants me to take a chance with someone. She wants me to take down my walls, throw out my rules, and just date. Ok. But wait.... it's not that easy. She told me that I don't date cause I have these rules, but what if I throw out all my rules and I still don't date? Then I am just a loser who can't get a date. Right now I can't get a date cause I have rules... so you see, I am protecting myself.
Its complicated and pathetic, I know. I've been hurt in the past... ok, who hasn't. So don't I have the right to protect myself?
Its all so funny because people keep telling me to "go for it" with this guy, but its harder then that. It needs to be a two-way relationship.
So either the walls are coming down or I am going to build them up stronger then ever before...