Sunday, July 6, 2008

A Haunting

What if? What if I had gone with a different major in college? What if I had gone on that date with the cute boy? What if I had stayed at home instead of going to BYU? What if I had married him? What if I had stayed in Provo after college? What if I had taken that job in Wyoming? What if I had not moved to the Riveria (where I met some of my best college friends)? What if I had fought for that relationship? What if I had told him how I felt?

Just like Alexander Hartdegen in Time Machine; I am haunted by these two most terrible words: what if.

I am struggling today. I find myself constantly thinking about this.

I was recently asked a strange question: "Why are you still single?" This question lingers in my mind. Why am I still single? Why have I not had a serious relationship in years? Do we really want to open that can-of-worms? I ponder this constantly (I have a lot of time to think when I am hiking 12 miles a day). And here is my simple answer: I am single because I don't believe that I have anything to offer. I have nothing to offer him and I have nothing to offer this world.

Let's face it, honestly, I don't have much to offer. I am working at a job that is emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting AND I don't get paid well (my little brother working at Ralphs probably gets paid more then I do). This job leaves me tired at the end of every day, which leads to me being emotional and irrational. I constantly struggle with food, my body, and my anxiety. I obsess about strange things like Fear, Death, and Evolution. I find myself being either completely stubborn or a people pleaser, depending on the situation. I enjoy playing video games. I don't wear makeup. I'm not cute, bubbly, or flirty. The list goes on and on...

Bottom line: I have nothing to offer and I don't think this will change in the near future. What am I supposed to do? Go up to him and say, "Hey, so, I work long hours at a dead end job and I can't be what I really want to be in life because I'm not smart enough... wanna date me?" I am a sad and pathetic human being that had little to offer this world. Who would want that?

So what if? Well, there is this amazing guy... what if I tell this guy that I really care about him? What if I tell him that I love the fact that we have been friends for years (through most of college) and I feel like myself when I am around him? What if I tell him that he makes me want to be a better person because I know that that is who he deserves? What if I tell him that I have feelings for him? What if I don't? Will I regret this for the rest of my life? Will I look back and wonder what could have happened if I only told him?

In the end its just one of those things that are not going to happen. In the end he will find someone that he deserves. In the end he will be happy not knowing how I felt about him. In the end, my life will continue. I am unable to hold a relationship due to the fact that I lack confidence in my ability to do so.

Some may say I am afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid of rejection? No, no I've been rejected before and I can handle that. Afraid of losing my friendship? Yes, a bit, but that's not it... Afraid of finding the man that will truly make me happy? Yes. I fear finding the one for me because I will not deserve him. I don't want to wake up every morning and look at my husband and think: "I don't deserve you". Because that day will come when he is going to wake up and look at me and think: "Yea, you're right. I deserve better." There you go. I am afraid of being happy. I fear that I truly don't deserve to be happy. What have I done to deserve it? What I have done to deserve happiness and love? I have given all I have and if I don't have it now then it's just not coming. maybe what I am feeling now is happiness. How sad. What a horrible existence I will lead if this is true. I guess happiness is relative (much like truth, sadness, and love). Its based on our perspective of the world and what we have experienced.

What if?

This is not an uncommon question and there is nothing wrong with asking "What if?" But there is a problem with living with regret. Will I regret not telling this guy how I feel about him? If I do tell him, will I look back and regret that decision? The problem come from not knowing which "what if" I will regret more.


Sy said...

Sweetie, I'm sorry you feel so down. I think that you underestimate yourself sometimes. You are a wonderful person and my life has been made better for knowing you and being your friend. I can't tell you what choices you are going to regret more and what if are two words that most reasonable people are haunted by too. Just know that there are people out there that do think that you deserve to be happy and that you are worth a lot.

Leslie Elaine said...

I always like thinking about the "what if" questions because life is always so surprising by what its given/taken away from us. What have you done? You're a good person, you stick to your morals and values, you're a great friend that truly cares and you love your family.

Don't ever think that your husband will think he deserves better, because if anything-he'll be in awe of how he got you. And if you're both questioning it, than you're perfectly matched for each other.

Courtney, I love you! And I miss seeing you, I love talking to you because I learn so much-you carry conversations really well and you know, you're beautiful. If some guys can't see that, why would you want them anyways?

~ Jamie ~ said...

Hey there, Court. I'm finally getting caught up on blog land. I'm sorry to see that your down. Don't live in the land of "what ifs". It's not a bad place to place to visit but, you don't want to dwell there.

BTW, I wake up most mornings thinking that I don't deserve a guy like Uncle Alan. But, that the type of guy that you should marry. You don't want to settle for less.

You are an amazing woman! Keep your chin up! Love you!

Lauren Jayne said...

Sorry that life is rough right now, the whole "what if" mentality sucks! I despise having regrets but it is just a fact of life you know, I figure I'll make plenty of good decisions and bad decisions! I seem to remember a suggestion from a general authority saying something to the effect of don't get discouraged just learn to be disappointed.

And by the by, I really respect the work you are doing. It sounds more demanding and intense than most people are willing to pursue, worthwhile things are usually the hardest kind so I admire your staying power!

Tiersha said...

Well I kinda know how you feel. I have asked myself "what if" more than not these past couple years. My life right now is so not what I imagined it would be like. But the one thing that makes it better is having confidence and hope for the future. And seriously, the guy will come and it will happen naturally. Who cares if you're single? We are so young. It's the culture we have been raised in and live in that makes us think we are old hags and have no chance at this point. I am learning that guys are funny and most of them are just strange. They don't even know what they want and a lot of them don't deserve someone like you. Don't think you're the one that doesn't deserve someone great! I admire so much about you. You have SO much to offer. I wish I had half the brains you did. You are so smart!!!!!! And I am not just saying that. You know what you want. You have worked hard for what you have. I love you girl!!! Keep your chin up :)

Coleen said...

It's OK Court, now I'm writing a blog that might help some.

The Rasmussen's said...

I'm so sorry your feeling so down. As cliche as this sounds I know everything happens for a reason. It's tought no doubt, but the right person is out there for you. When you find him your doubts will subside. We've all been promised to find someone to share eternity with. You will to. The people that you care about and that care about you are what matters. Lean on them until you feel confident enough to stand up on your own two feet. Everyone sometimes needs others to lean on! So now it's you turn. Remeber that when you feel like no one can empathise with you the Savior can. He felt you pain in the Garden. Lean on him now and he will give you comfort. Your in my prayers and I love you babe.

emilie s. d. p. said...

All I know is that the two years you were at the Riv living next to me I always thought you were so much fun and I really wanted to be more like you! I always thought you would be such an amazing friend to have and I always wished I would have gotten to know you better! So there :o)