Just like Alexander Hartdegen in Time Machine; I am haunted by these two most terrible words: what if.
I am struggling today. I find myself constantly thinking about this.
I was recently asked a strange question: "Why are you still single?" This question lingers in my mind. Why am I still single? Why have I not had a serious relationship in years? Do we really want to open that can-of-worms? I ponder this constantly (I have a lot of time to think when I am hiking 12 miles a day). And here is my simple answer: I am single because I don't believe that I have anything to offer. I have nothing to offer him and I have nothing to offer this world.
Let's face it, honestly, I don't have much to offer. I am working at a job that is emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting AND I don't get paid well (my little brother working at Ralphs probably gets paid more then I do). This job leaves me tired at the end of every day, which leads to me being emotional and irrational. I constantly struggle with food, my body, and my anxiety. I obsess about strange things like Fear, Death, and Evolution. I find myself being either completely stubborn or a people pleaser, depending on the situation. I enjoy playing video games. I don't wear makeup. I'm not cute, bubbly, or flirty. The list goes on and on...
Bottom line: I have nothing to offer and I don't think this will change in the near future. What am I supposed to do? Go up to him and say, "Hey, so, I work long hours at a dead end job and I can't be what I really want to be in life because I'm not smart enough... wanna date me?" I am a sad and pathetic human being that had little to offer this world. Who would want that?
So what if? Well, there is this amazing guy... what if I tell this guy that I really care about him? What if I tell him that I love the fact that we have been friends for years (through most of college) and I feel like myself when I am around him? What if I tell him that he makes me want to be a better person because I know that that is who he deserves? What if I tell him that I have feelings for him? What if I don't? Will I regret this for the rest of my life? Will I look back and wonder what could have happened if I only told him?
In the end its just one of those things that are not going to happen. In the end he will find someone that he deserves. In the end he will be happy not knowing how I felt about him. In the end, my life will continue. I am unable to hold a relationship due to the fact that I lack confidence in my ability to do so.
Some may say I am afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid of rejection? No, no I've been rejected before and I can handle that. Afraid of losing my friendship? Yes, a bit, but that's not it... Afraid of finding the man that will truly make me happy? Yes. I fear finding the one for me because I will not deserve him. I don't want to wake up every morning and look at my husband and think: "I don't deserve you". Because that day will come when he is going to wake up and look at me and think: "Yea, you're right. I deserve better." There you go. I am afraid of being happy. I fear that I truly don't deserve to be happy. What have I done to deserve it? What I have done to deserve happiness and love? I have given all I have and if I don't have it now then it's just not coming. maybe what I am feeling now is happiness. How sad. What a horrible existence I will lead if this is true. I guess happiness is relative (much like truth, sadness, and love). Its based on our perspective of the world and what we have experienced.
This is not an uncommon question and there is nothing wrong with asking "What if?" But there is a problem with living with regret. Will I regret not telling this guy how I feel about him? If I do tell him, will I look back and regret that decision? The problem come from not knowing which "what if" I will regret more.