I hate sunless tanning. I don't like being hot and sweaty when I'm not working out. I hate that it makes you smell like burnt chicken and that it leaves rings around my eyes. I hate that if you sunless tan you have a higher chance of getting cancer. I hate it all. Except that it clears my skin... I love that.
I've been on "the drug" twice already. Not only did it clear my skin but it keep my skin clear for about a year after I stopped taking the medication. My clear skin came at a price: "the drug" made my depression worse.
It's hard for me to admit but I've been depressed for most of my adult life. It affects me everyday. It's the reason why I'm quick to get emotional. I get mad easily. I get upset easily. I get frustrated. I have little patience. I have anxiety.
I'm having a hard time right now. I'm sad. I'm disappointed with my life. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm unhappy. I don't sleep. I forget to eat. I don't really care about anything anymore. I cry... a lot. I thought I was special. I thought I was supposed to do something with my life. I thought I was going to be great. Instead I've accomplished nothing and I'm alone. I wish I could just quit my life and start over.
That being said... is it worth it? Should I go back on "the drug"? Should I put myself through pain just so that I can have clear skin? It seems like a simple question but it's not. I'm starting to scar! My acne is getting so bad that it's embarrassing! Sometimes it actually hurts! It sucks!
I don't want to be sad any more but we all know that's not going to happen. I have to just deal with it. If I'm going to be miserable I might as well get clear skin. Right?
I have a Dr. appointment next week and I need to decide by then.
*I prefer not to say the name because the blog is public. If you want to know the real name then email me.