Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Beauty is Pain

I'm 25 and I still have my teenage acne. It covers my face and my back. It's embarrassing and painful. I've been to SO MANY dermatologist and I've been on EVERY type of acne medication (no joke) and only two things have ever worked: "the drug"* and sunless tanning.

I hate sunless tanning. I don't like being hot and sweaty when I'm not working out. I hate that it makes you smell like burnt chicken and that it leaves rings around my eyes. I hate that if you sunless tan you have a higher chance of getting cancer. I hate it all. Except that it clears my skin... I love that.

I've been on "the drug" twice already. Not only did it clear my skin but it keep my skin clear for about a year after I stopped taking the medication. My clear skin came at a price: "the drug" made my depression worse.

It's hard for me to admit but I've been depressed for most of my adult life. It affects me everyday. It's the reason why I'm quick to get emotional. I get mad easily. I get upset easily. I get frustrated. I have little patience. I have anxiety.

I'm having a hard time right now. I'm sad. I'm disappointed with my life. I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm unhappy. I don't sleep. I forget to eat. I don't really care about anything anymore. I cry... a lot. I thought I was special. I thought I was supposed to do something with my life. I thought I was going to be great. Instead I've accomplished nothing and I'm alone. I wish I could just quit my life and start over.

That being said... is it worth it? Should I go back on "the drug"? Should I put myself through pain just so that I can have clear skin? It seems like a simple question but it's not. I'm starting to scar! My acne is getting so bad that it's embarrassing! Sometimes it actually hurts! It sucks!

I don't want to be sad any more but we all know that's not going to happen. I have to just deal with it. If I'm going to be miserable I might as well get clear skin. Right?

I have a Dr. appointment next week and I need to decide by then.

*I prefer not to say the name because the blog is public. If you want to know the real name then email me.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't know you, but both acne and depression just suck! If you figure out what works, please let me know! I wish you the best of luck!!!!!!!!!! Please let us know what happens after the doctors appointment.

Rachelle said...

I can totally relate to having teenage acne as a 25 yr old. I finally went to the dermatologist this year because it was worse than ever at the beginning of the year. I've tried a few different options with him. For the last 6 months I've been on an antibiotic called Septra. It's a sulfur-based drug and my skin responds well. I'm also on birth control and have a medicated face wash and face cream. The combination of it all seems to work although it's quite the process. I feel like a pill popping maniac. Just know you're not the only one that has to deal with acne and if you ever want to talk, call me!

Rach said...

Hey Court! You must know how much your Father in Heaven loves you. You have accomplished so much with your life, are you kidding me!? I admire everything you have done with your education, your travels. If you truely feel like you have no direction or goal...its never too late to make a change. Here we are 27, and back in school. Jeremy goes to school with little 18 year olds. Sure he is starting over, but we have been so blessed. Find what it is that the Lord wants for you as a daughter and a woman of faith...and everything else doesn't matter. It will all fall into place...take that leap of faith. Trust Him...secondly...I say tan it up! That's my choice, and for me its cheaper than the meds. I too suffer from acne, and if I am not on medication or tanning it's painful, embarassing, ugly and just down right depressing! Just know that this is all about trial and error, as we do things knowing what the Lord would want for us, you will know that everything is ok. I miss you and can't even remember the last time we got toghether! I enjoy reading your blog, you are real and honest with your thoughts...th good, the bad and the ugly :)

Lacey Lue said...

Amen to Rachelle. You are so not alone. I hate it too. And I've had no health insurance for a year, so no medicated options. I'm getting back on the pill now because that seemed to help, amid the myriad of other medications I've had. Anyway, I love you loads. I wish there was a solution to it all, especially if that didn't come with any side effects. But I also think you are quite amazing. And I miss you loads. I'm just a phone call away.

Karilyn Carreon said...

Courtney, I am so sorry you are going through all of that right now! We absolutely miss you and hate having you live so far away... solution... MOVE CLOSER!!! Honestly, you are never alone. You are just at the bottom of the roller coaster right now and soon enough.. too bad it cant be on our time... you're going to be back at the top! Enjoy today!

Stephanie said...

I honestly didn't even notice your acne at our reunion. We always notice on ourselves & others what we are most self-conscious about. I've been there. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I remember being in college crying hysterically to my mom (while I had been on some pills for acne) &--this not being the first, second, or even fifth time I had been crying to my mom over the phone--she said, "Get off the pill. This is not worth it." I did stop taking it...& I was glad I did.

I hate not feeling in control of my emotions.

Tiersha and Josh said...

Before my wedding I was put on BC and an antibiotic only. Have you tried that combo? The BC pill works wonders for me and I am going back on it in like two weeks. I think acne, itself, causes depression. But "the drug" you are referring too makes it worse before it gets better. So obviously anyone on that is going to be sad. I certainly was. Stupid acne. Maybe one of these days you and I will both grow out of it. I always thought it high school I would grow out of it in college and never have it again...boy was I WRONG!!! Hang in there. We all have our moments and things that make us down. You are definitely NOT alone on that one!!!