A conversation that scared me

"BABIES!"

I love babies. Every time I see a cute kid or an adorable baby I always cry out, in a high pitched voice, "AW BABIES!" 

I've always wanted to have kids. Don't worry, not now, but some day after I have been married for a few years, I would love to have a couple of kids. I recently had a conversation that really scared me out of ever having kids. So this is basically what happened:

Pre-conversation:

Ok so I have always had a problem with my appearance. I go back and forth on how I feel about my body. But I don't think that I am fat (most days). Others may disagree but I have a pretty good body image. I hike 12 miles a day, I run between 4 and 6 miles a day, AND I watch what I eat (most of the time). I am in fine shape. Although my physical image may not look like it. And this is where the problem lies. I should have a better body to match how much exercise I get, but I don't. 

Through out college I had a hard time with my image. I went back and forth with my feelings about my weight. It was hard because my roommates were always so pretty and skinny but they always thought they were fat; hence, I thought I was fat. I struggled with the nervosa (anorexia and bulimia) eating disorders for some time. I would even lose my desire to eat... my appetite would be completely gone. It was hard. But when I would move past that, and regain my positive body image again, something like this would happen.

The Conversation:

I was hanging out with some of my guy friends when the topic of weight came up. Some of them stated that they would never date a girl that weighed over 150 lbs. Crazy? Not to them. I tried to tell them that weight is relative but they didn't listen. Next, they stated that when they got married, if their wife ever gained weight, they would make her go to the gym right away. They understood that a woman would gain weight while pregnant but they said that she needed to loose it after she gave birth. They told me that too many women "let themselves go" after they get married and that this is a problem. I explained to them that having kids is hard on your body and that very very few women get their bodies back after childbirth. They were not big fans of this. The guys claimed that they will take care of their bodies so the women should too and they would have a hard time being physical with a wife that they were no longer attracted to because she had gained weight.

Post-conversation:

Its a hard situation to deal with now. I am so back and forth about my body image and I know that maintaining my weight NOW is hard, and after I have kids it will get even harder. Don't guys understand that taking care of the kids and the house and all the other stuff really doesn't leave women much TIME to take care of their bodies? No.

So is it worth it? Is it worth having kids and losing your body? Is it worth the risk that my husband may not be physically attracted to me after the kids come along? Guys have unreal expectations about what they should expect in a woman and the body is one of them. Don't they understand that women have a CONSTANT struggle with they weight? This is something that I (and most other women) have to deal with daily... And it's something that some of us have dealt with for a very long time. I can't just eat what I want, when I want it. I can't just sit on my butt and watch the Laker game and eat a pizza by myself without regretting it later. This is something women have to deal with and it sucks.

In the end, I don't know why I am worrying so much about this. Maybe its because I am scarred to date because that leads to finding a husband, which leads to fear of him leaving me because I gained weight after having our kids. I want kids but is it worth the risk? I know other women struggle with this too... It was just on my mind...